Saturday, September 3, 2011


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Mr. Speaker, Mr. President, Members of Congress (except Joe Walsh), and my fellow Americans:

As many of you already know, our country is in a grave economic crisis tonight.  Jobs are disappearing, wages are low, our banking system is dysfunctional, and America's credit rating has been downgraded for the first time in our history. 

The great federal safety nets for the poor and elderly are under attack as never before.  Decent, affordable health care continues to elude the most vulnerable members of our society.

But these difficult problems are being made harder to solve by your inexplicably personal animosity towards me, which began with my 2008 election.  You won't admit this--even to yourselves--but since you let Rush Limbaugh do your talking (and much of your thinking) for you, he's made that pretty clear.

It was my health care reform plan, or, as you Republicans like to call it, "ObamaCare," which eventually formed the excuse you needed to summon an AstroTurf rebellion against "Big Government Spending" in 2010.  From this bogus boogeyman arose the "Tea Party"--a group of people whose horror of my occupation of the White House is one thing they all have in common.

That year, conservative Republicans captured a majority of seats in the House of Representatives--many of you defeating more moderate Republicans or long-serving Democrats.  You freshman class of the House, and some older-serving members, call yourselves Tea Party Republicans.

Another element of the 2010 election outcome is the large number of you who have signed the decades-old Grover Norquist anti-tax pledge.  You have thoughtlessly sworn with your signatures to oppose any and all tax measures, no matter how much sense they make or how badly revenues are needed. 

If Grover says it's a tax, it's a tax.
Because you could never be trusted to figure that out for yourselves.

The goal of this newly empowered group of Republicans is--as expressed by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell-- to deny me a second term as President.
And you are apparently ready & willing to cause major financial hardships to your own constituents to achieve that goal.

This became clear to me during the Debt Ceiling Debate, when I sought to work with you in a bipartisan way to solve the Deficit problem.  I accepted so many of your demands that I angered my own party.

Every time I have reached across the aisle, no matter how outrageously insane my offer seemed to me and to my party, I got my hand bitten.

So, you want me to be a one-term president?
Fine.  I'm a one-term president.

I'm a one-term president facing a legacy shaped largely by you. 
My legacy will be that I wanted to do good things, but that I was "too weak” to pass my own programs while you controlled the House and veto-proofed the Senate.

I will be blamed for the Bush Recession, and it won't matter that many of my earlier programs helped avoid a deeper Recession--or even a Depression. 
It won't matter that the short-lived Economic Stimulus was effective in slowing the crashing Economy.
It won't matter that I was not too "timid" to take over General Motors amidst almost universal criticism; or that, today, GM is once again standing on its own and has paid back the debt it owed to the treasury.
No one will remember that, until 2011, unemployment was on its way down.
It won't matter that "ObamaCare" will prove to have positive results.
It won't matter that I was not "too weak" or indecisive to give the order to take out Osama Bin Laden. 
It won't matter that I was not "dithering" when I gave the order to military snipers to kill Somali pirates who were holding an American ship's captain hostage. 
It won't matter that I was not "too professorial" to enlist the help of NATO to keep Libyan madman Moamar Khaddaffi from slaughtering civilians in his own country.
It won't matter that the same multi-national intervention seems to have led to Khaddaffi's retreat from Tripoli, and a brought new hope of self-government to the Libyan people. 

None of that will matter, because I will be remembered for "backing down," time and time again on domestic issues.  I will be remembered for naively trying to compromise with people who never had any intention of compromising in the first place. 

I was too blind to comprehend the monstrous truth, until it was too late--that you Republicans are actually willing to hurt your own constituents--just to keep me from getting reelected.

My bad.

So now, you have a one-term president; one with not much hope of a positive legacy.

But do you know what that is? 
That is a politician with nothing to lose, politically. 
If you didn't like me before this, you REALLY won't like me now that I have nothing to lose. 

From now until President Perry is elected, I will focus like a laser on what I, Barack Hussein Obama, think is best for the people of this country that you profess to love so much.

As it is obviously impossible for me to alienate Congress further, from now on, there will be no "discussions" or "meetings" in the White House at which your presence will be required. 

Furthermore--I will brook no personal disrespect from any one of you, public or private. I caution you strongly not to test me on this. 

I will compromise on absolutely nothing.

I have directed the Attorney General to investigate and begin drawing up indictments for the leaders of every financial institution that received TARP money and hasn't paid it back; for every executive on Wall Street and in the banking industry whose overreach got this Recession started; and for anyone else in that arena who is suspected of violating his or her fiduciary duty to the citizens of The United States of America.

Meanwhile, I am nationalizing the banking system--all of it--temporarily, just the way I did with GM.

I'll give it back after it's fixed.

CEO's and other executives of financial institutions who escape indictment by the Justice Department but whose companies have not repaid TARP monies lent to them by the US taxpayers will see their stratospheric personal compensations reduced drastically. They will lose their bonuses.

And don’t come whining to me about “Class Warfare!”  I’m just a repo man here

The millions of dollars collected from reducing the salaries of the overcompensated will be placed in an Infrastructure and education fund, to put people to work rebuilding roads, water mains, bridges, airports, and developing much-needed additional mass transit, among other projects.

Those who don't have the skills or the experience to work on such projects will benefit from the educational arm of the fund, which will partner with Community Tech Schools to see that these workers get the training they need.

Those members of Congress and the Governors of their states who have rejected federal funds for your states since my Presidency began will not be troubled by new offers of federal help.
I will leave it to you to explain to your constituents why their tax money is being used to create jobs elsewhere.

As for the rest of Congress, as I said, I am focusing like a laser on what I think is best for this country.

Therefore, I will personally go over every request for every project or earmark in your own state or district.

Those I deem worthy and in the public interest, I will promptly approve and recommend for funding.  These will be listed

Those which are obvious favors to big campaign donors, but are still worthy and in the public interest, I will put on another list.

Those that are expensive, frivolous boondoggle favors for big campaign donors, I will place on a third list.

The three lists will be posted online and copies emailed to newspapers in your states.  You will be given either: the praise and credit for serving your constituents well; or you will suffer the embarrassment of helping your constituents and yourself at the same time; or you will be humiliated by the exposure of your greed, and your constituents will make up their own minds what they want to do with you.

Then, I will send the lists of your requests to the House, where they will no doubt be tucked, as usual, into some larger bill for passage.

I have enjoyed these three years as your president, and I look forward to our remaining year together.  I think this will be fun.

Thank you,

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

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